i just can't stop.

http://www.blogotheque.net/Mumford-and-Sons,5518

so. yummy.

hold on to what you believe.

i feel like i'm just treading water.

waiting.

but. i'm tired. of waiting.

baby steps to the New Year. . .

a year of open doors. and new adventures.

and and and and and so much.

Love...it will not betray you dismay or enslave you, it will set you free...

still sighing. often.


just this.


i. love it.

i might be invisible, but i am still here

and it sure seems like i always will be.

here. dreaming.

the Christmas season is upon us. and this year, it's going to be all about focusing and trying and doing my best to make things better around here. which, needless to say, will be extremely difficult. but. i am going to try. and, though my mind may wander (and wander it will) i've removed all the physical/technological diversions on my end. which feels scary and awful. but i can't trust myself any other way.

so i may not post here for awhile. unless, perhaps, i reach a breaking point one of these days. or maybe i make some bad decisions and drunk-dial my keyboard, spewing out pent up thoughts and feelings and memories and wants and desires and dreams.....

paths cross and re-cross. i believe that. wholeheartedly.

so, here's to the new year, i suppose. it feels like a long way off.....but, in respect to a door-opening, hand-holding foreverness....a couple weeks is not too long to wait.

because, as impatient a person as i am....i could wait for a hand to hold, forever. now, don't read that as: i don't really want it, so i'd rather just wait, read it as: i want it more than i have ever wanted anything in my entire life, but good things are worth waiting for. so i'll submit to being patient, because i expect that it will be greater than i can possibly imagine.

see how i don't even want to leave right now? i can't stop typing.

i just have so much on my mind. so much to say. so much to do. so much to hope for. so much i'm praying about.

so, here's to patience, as well.

and here's to prayer.

and here's to paths.

and here's to love.

and here's to eating macaroni and cheese for the rest of my life, and never getting fat from it.

stop typing stop typing stop typing stop typing......

i'm the most awkward girl i know

my mind is so much more cinematic than real life.

réponds à ma tendresse

i love french.

and i miss it.



i want more of it in my life. lots more.

don't move. they can't see us if we don't move

why am i here and not over, over, over there?


two turkeys down. one thankmas left.

fatkid, there you are.
nice to know you're still alive.

it's been awhile.
hi.

mamas and papas

i woke up from a nice/strange/heartwarming dream last night.
it's nice to have a little reminder.
a sigh of relief.

relief is the wrong word, there. but i'll leave it for now.

thanksgiving this week. family business everywhere.
on both sides.
gulp gulp. gobble gobble.


now i'm going to do a student film all day, back to back with work from 3-11. and, since my snow-filled-colorado-adventures, my scooter-days have been extended. the mountains put some hair on my chest, it seems.


not real hair. don't get grossed out.

i have a sinking feeling

that i feel like i'm sinking. . .

home sweet home?

welp. i'm here, anyway. hi.

i almost started crying on the way to the airport in denver this morning. because emily played this song on her phone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y


i just....


i love.
this song.
so much.


deep sigh.

Colorado Eve!

it's happening. it's really happening.

it's kind of hard to believe, really. the sisterhood has had a lot of great plans that have never quiet been....finished? started? spoken of again after a night of heavy drinking? something like that....

but this time.

this time, our Fuck Yes! attitude have finally paid off.


and, in 24 hours, i will be sitting on a plane. next to tiffany and katy. and we will be giggling. and there will be huge smiles on our faces. smiles that will stay there until monday. at which point, there will most likely be tears. granted, there will definitely be tears over the weekend, as well. but those tears will be hard to differentiate from the splashes of mountain-hot-tub water on our faces. or maybe the remnants of a high-altitude-snowball-fight. or, maybe, they'll just have been tears from laughing-so-hard-you-pee-a-little-which-makes-everyone-laugh-more. i mean, it's happened before. let's be honest.

my heart aches from my excitement....among other things.

gulp

sigh

tears of fury. . . that sounds like a song.

on my way home from the worst-day-ever yesterday, i told myself i wouldn't write anything whilst still fuming. so, here we are. a day later. a little pile of smoldering charred rubble. about to jump right back into the fire.

waking up at 5am yesterday, the day was full of promise! back to back audition/callback and a student film project. acting! look at all of it! and, surely i would have some run-ins with long lost friends, yes? of course! the day will be good! it must be!

met eleni down at the new equity building (fancy) at 6:30am, signed up on the already-posted list, and scored the #2 EMC spot. fast forward through all the grime [read: the most awkward two hours of my life. like, hi-let's-just-not-look-at-each-other-while-i-vomit-in-my-mouth-get-me-out-of-here-oh, hi jude, no-please-don't-point-out-the-fact-that-we're-not-sitting-next-to-each-other-barf-barf-barf] to 4:46pm when i was being told i wouldn't be seen. no EMC's had been seen. all of the new-EMC-appointment times for wednesday had been filled while i was out callbacking. but....i was at a callback. doesn't that count for something? i wasn't just out eating a sandwich someplace. it was work! gimme gimme! ....please? no thank you, they said. sorry bout it. how did the callback go?! i mean, hopefully great? since THIS is turning out so well....? right? ugh.

like, Ugh.

annnnnnnnnnnd after all that, here i go again. here i come, utah! if you refuse to see me again, i will burn you to the ground [read: cry on my scoot to work, sulk at work from 2-10, cry on my scoot home, and mope until tomorrow]

countdown

this promises to be one of the best weeks of my life. not that i'm setting the bar too high, or anything....

today: ladies lunch & work

tomorrow: auditions galore & the last of my columbia bullshit

wed/thur: gathering of supplies & work

friday: midway. aeroplane. mountains. colorado. sisterhood.

heaven on earth.

try, try again.

that's what they say, right?

right.


also, i like when i have acting things, and auditions for acting things. i do not like when all of those things are to happen on the same day. at the same time.
tuesday will be epic.

i feel squijgy

i just woke up from a dream that i got an email. it was an invitation to sit and have an $8 beer, and then a piano lesson. because the sender was in need of a lesson, and thought it would be fun to take one together.

i agree.
i could use a lesson.

but $8 for a beer. man. that better be a good beer.

i'm sure it would be.
i do love beer.


can i go back to bed? that's all i want to do. most days. just curl up and sleep for hours. maybe wake up, and eat a turkey sandwich. but then go back to bed again.
i want a piano. and a place to put it.

my want list is complete.
it's surprisingly short.
now it just needs to turn into a get list.
or a gotten list.
or a have list.

my scooting days are numbered...

riding home from work tonight was rough. i'm going to try to hold out on the red line for one more week. i just have to get through tomorrow, thursday and saturday night's midnight shifts.

and then. the red line. for the winter.

sigh.

i do love scooting. it will be missed.

and, my family has started Christmas-list-emails. for the first time in my life, i am not looking forward to the holidays. not in the least.

new sounds

the best thing about having tiffany's computer brains.

is the music.

just wait and see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3btsqMgFEs

i need new glasses

everything is so blurry these days.

also, i want a piano. and somewhere to put it.

my feet are still brokenish from the race last saturday, and there is little laughter for their healing. which is too bad.


milwaukee was a wonderful, and much needed, good time. the show was great. the people were great. the food/music/time all great.
i just cannot wait for colorado in november.
i'm sure it will change my life.

i need mountain boots.

riding home has gotten so much colder

i'm not sure which feels worse....

trying to forget, or feeling forgotten.
probably the latter, since the former isn't working.

stories and souls

i love this. first of all. heard it in church last sunday and knew instantly that it was who it is. and i love them.

secondly. this is a storysongpoem that i wrote back at the beginning of september. whilst lying on the grass at pritzker. after having listened to mr smith & the gang.

someday, there will be notes that accompany these words.
but that day. . . is not today.


the adventures of
sally and joe, you may know
they traveled the world
with each other.

they looked and they looked
but liked not what they found, so
they went home and built
there, another.

it was tall it was
small and it always was fall
the world that they built
for each other.

it was sally they
say who would giggle all day
and make the leaves dance
all a flutter.

there were mountains and
trees but not one bumble bee
and joe made a fly
out of butter.

there they sit holding
hands, in their own little land
not one needing more
than the other.

closed.

i don't know what to say.

this is one of the worst feelings i have ever felt. in my whole life. ever.

but i will be patient.
and i will try to fix my life.
i don't know what my new life will look like.
but when i find it, i will reach out.
and maybe a friend will be there.
to hold my hand.

forever.

just stay there. in my head.

i love this song. i decided to watch/listen to it about 6 minutes ago, so i youtubed it, and it started loading. then. i saw this song in the side bar and thought to myself, oooooooh that one's next. then, i checked my email. and my second song was just sitting there. already waiting for me.

such one-minded-ness is staggering.


also, i can strum strum strum along with those ten thousand words.

i.love.music.

my LIFE

is being. . . . ridiculous.

and painful.



i think blush&bashful might have more lyrics coming its way.

home lyrics.
head over heels lyrics.
fall lyrics.
falling lyrics.

all kinds.

death by rain bullets

scooting in the rain is the absolute worst.

absolutely.


problem 1: my scooter glasses have no windshield wipers.
problem 2: my helmet does nothing to prevent my face from getting continuously painfully pelted by little bullets of rain whizzing through the air at forty miles an hour.
problem 3: my gloves are useless against the freezing air rushing through the thin skin on my poor delicate fingers thereby rendering them useless for a good ten minutes after i get home.

these are my only qualms. the cold isn't even that bad yet. it's just all this wet that makes it miserable.

in other news, my Fall Church Tour is continuing tomorrow. i'm planning on going to The Painted Door, as per the advice of a long-lost-aquaintance and promised-future-friend, joshua willis. josh was an acting major three years ahead of me at school, and we ran into each other at a party a couple weeks back and had a lovely conversation about life and God and film and things.

SO. that's the plan.

and we're one step closer to 820.
now i'm just waiting on my hamburger.


ps, it's october for cryin' out loud.
get it? this year is almost over?
Get It?

hello, mountains

just booked a flight to denver mid-november. headed out to see lavra's mountain home life with etf and tiff.

for this. i cannot wait.

i mean, the four of us haven't been together since laura's wedding. like, HELLO.



a life-vacation has such a welcome sound to it.


.....hi.

you're not the only one

tiffany, you're right. i'm so mysterious! eek!
actually, i went on a little trip down memory lane awhile back, sorting through all my old posts on here.......and the even older ones on the for-my-eyes-only-suzy-high-school-xanga. and. well. i was so vague on some of those posts, that even i don't remember that i was talking about.

so. maybe i should start being more specific.

nope.

i won, by the way. the silence game. and, i'm afraid there's another round ahead. and, i will win that one too. sadly, though.

so. that's that.

820.
fingers crossed.
hard.

i'm rubber and you're glue

except...we're the silent kind. not the hurling-insults kind.

and, i do declare, i am good at being silent.

when i need to be.

and right now is one of those times.

and i plan on winning.

is this thing on?

are you still out there?

hi. it's been awhile. quite. awhile.

um....this is awkward.

but.

hi.

i might come back here to visit, sometimes. so. that's that.

good to see you again. i've missed you, you know.